feel inadequate?

Do you feel this way? Say hello to me. I don't know how to fix what I can't help. Between births and multiple surgeries I have scar tissue and scars and it isn't all that pretty down there. Plus, I have no muscular definition where it counts. I keep hearing "it's not you, it's me" but I know it isn't. I know the problem. I do the exercises they recommend, I even squeeze with all my might and yet it isn't good enough. I can't seem to fulfill what I crave the most, my husbands satisfaction. I feel lost, I feel dirty, I feel inadequate. I hear the words "I'm not a spring chicken" and "I'm out of practice" however I am not stupid. He already told me the truth once but he shies away from it now thinking to spare my feelings. It hurts, I'm disappointed in myself. I know there are tools (for lack of a better word) that you can buy but I feel like I am giving in to the knowledge that I'm not good enough. I miss the days of happiness where satisfaction was easy. I miss the days when it was hard to hold back instead of trying so hard to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could just be me again. I wish I didn't feel more like a body instead of a woman. It may sound weird to hear but after having my tubes tied which was sad enough then to have to have my entire uterus removed. I no longer felt like I was female, not that I felt like a man just.... like I was a body. I denied my husband for so long because honestly I was scared he would feel the same way. I feel like when we are together there is happiness and enjoyment for little while and then... then it is just gone. It's sad. I'm not sure if he loses interest or it just isn't good enough but it hurts my feelings so much that I can't help him, that I can't give to him what is desired. He thinks I am disappointed in him, what a crock. He is everything to me. He is my rock, my savior, my man. I am always scared because especially now I can't fulfill what shouldn't be so hard to accomplish that he will find someone to help him. To find someone that will give him what I cannot. I don't know, I guess I should bend and just get those ball things that are supposed to help. I talk about getting them and we joke about it but honestly it scares me, what if they don't work for me. What if they can't help me in the way they are designed to do. If they don't then I would have to admit defeat and I don't know if I could work around that. I live in a world of "what ifs" and "I don't knows" I guess I am a wimp. Maybe, just maybe I can do it. If I try hard enough. I'll think about it for a couple of days, then order them if I get up enough courage. Hope no one else has these issues. They are horrible enough for me let alone anyone else in this world.

because that is how it is nowadays

I keep doing things wrong, I have the wrong motives for doing things. I don't believe anything I am told. So I figure I will help someone instead of listening to the nagging in my head. I try to help my husband get his youtube account set up on the xbox. He has a link on his phone to the email address to sign in only he couldn't remember the password. I was fairly certain I knew it so I grabbed his phone, didn't go through it except to pull up the text and get to the website. I try and try and do the text prompts and email prompts and what happens???? I fucking lock up his account!!! GOD DAMNIT! Of course. So now I look like I was creeping and got busted which wasn't what I was doing and wasn't my intention. I was only going to sign in write down his password and put it in his desk like all the others so he had it :*( how am I going to prove that??? I can't. I feel horrible, I don't want to tell him but it's the right thing to do. I sent a message in and I pulled up the phone number so he can call them and try to get his account back in order but it doesn't feel like enough. It feels like I screwed up so bad and he is going to be so mad at me. Why I don't know but he will. He can only take so much and I have been so crazy lately. I tried so hard to be good tonight and help instead of hinder like all the other times and look what happened. The only thing I did right was I did manage to get the youtube account on his xbox. I just feel so defeated though. I don't know what to do.

has anyone noticed

I'm not sure if it just me or not but you think of hundreds of different things every day. They overlap, they jump around and meld together until it is just one big long conversation. Until something happens and the thoughts just stop. You can't find the thread. Do you feel lost? I know I do. It is worse than forgetting why you came into a room. It feels like all the air leaves your chest and you can't drag more in. You feel like your lost. I don't like it. These stupid meds, they make me feel like I'm racing around and going a hundred miles a minute and then all of sudden BAM! I don't know what the hell just happened. Like the entire train of thought just derailed and every thought I had is just GONE. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of just forgetting everything that just happened. I don't like not remembering anything. I don't like losing memories because of everything. I do, I not only lose my train of thought but I slowly lose even more memories as I go. I can't remember what I did yesterday. I don't remember dancing at my own wedding. I only vaguely remember parts of certain fun adventures. I know I went hiking with my husband and I had fun. I couldn't tell you anything other than that. I don't know when, I don't remember how or what went on or anything else. I slowly forget everything along with my train of thought. I hate it. I don't understand. This, this is supposed to make me better. I cry all the time because it only works in some ways, I feel like even though I am trying it took too long to fix and I won't make it right after all. I feel like I will ever get back what I pushed away. I hate all of this. I hate what the side effects are of these meds. I just can't stand some things. Sure yeah I lose weight, woo hoo. I hate forgetting. I hate crying so much. I HATE being paranoid and not believing my own husband. I probably went on and on and no one else is like this LOL so sorry I forgot what I was supposed to be typing but it did help me feel better :)

It Hurts

No really, it hurts. My head, my throat, my stomach, my sinus', and my eyeballs. Yep you guessed it. I have a cold. What makes it worse is I am also being a test subject for medication for bipolar with manic disorder and agoraphobia with anxiety and depression (sounds like a mouth full huh?). Basically I was a raging Cunt who pushed normal emotions away and made everything a joke and after they regulated the bipolar I wanted to kill myself. Obviously I failed miserably. Did I really want to? Yes, No, Yes, No... Depends on the day, time of day, who you ask, and when I talked to them last. For a while there it was all I thought about. I only got away from it is when I screwed my husband, but after a while he got sick of it. Blamed being sore, even I knew it wasn't that. I've seen it sore before. Doesn't matter, wasn't a good reason to do it. Oh don't get me wrong I love him dearly and enjoyed every second of it and missed it so much I couldn't see straight. Not really sure why we weren't screwing like rabbits before. Anyways, getting off topic. See I was given a time limit, I have to be little miss perky and shit before my birthday or they decide I have to be locked up for my own good and give me heavier meds. I don't want it, that isn't how it should be. If I end my life it's what I DECIDE, NOT something some bitch behind an oversized desk thinks is good for me. Can you imagine being on so many meds that you can't go anywhere because almost every other hour you have to take pills? 8 am 8:30 then I get a break. 2 pm then 4 pm then 7 pm then 8 pm. I can't freaking go anywhere and visit friends without having to constantly pop pills. Even my kids know what my phone noises are for now! It depresses me even more now! I can't even snuggle with my husband because as soon as we start something I have to go take my next pill. I'm afraid to go to parties because I don't want the effects to suddenly decide to make me feel like I'm stoned again and I look drunk wandering around so I look like a total bitch all the time! I miss out on so much and that depresses me even more! I am supposed to be happier but all I want to do is go scream in the shower and cry my eyes out but that isn't allowed apparently because that isn't what normal people do... least not the screaming part. I've taken 2 showers today but as soon as I get in there I can't cry... it's weird, the water just kind of dries it up, I don't want to leave the shower stall because reality awaits me again. How am I supposed to fix this when they up some meds lower others and introduce different ones ALL AT THE SAME TIME and expect to just it all to work out!!! IN TWO FUCKING WEEKS!

Hope everything works out or else or I'll see y'all on the flip side, whenever they let me out.

When in doubt... bake it off

Everyone has their own little way of relieving stress, dealing with anxiety, or other emotions. Mine are, but not limited to... baking, cooking, crocheting, and lifting weights. There are days though that I can't seem to figure out how to relieve the pressure building. For those days I usually just spew out, "When in doubt, bake it off" which is like a pep talk for me and a warning for my family to stay out of my way! My kids get to help occasionally if I can handle the stimulation but for the most part baking is my leech... it works GREAT while listening to good music! I will even honestly admit that most times when baking under extreme emotion whatever I end up baking doesn't turn out as good as I like them too. But after everything is said and done not only am I just less, I also have some yummy treats to chow down on as well! My personal favorite is when a recipe that I have made for literally years turns out different such as the recipe states that it makes 4 dozen cookies. I verified with 3 different people and sure enough that really does equal 48 which is the number that I always get when baking them except tonight. Tonight that same batch of cookie dough turned out 81 cookies... yeah go ahead and cock your head to the side and figure that one out if you can... while I am waiting to do the next step I am still working on the answer myself. No the answer does NOT lie in making them smaller. A notation on the side even tells me to measure out the dough for the chocolate pieces with a 1/2 tbsp measuring spoon, which is what I used... strange and peculiar but who am I to complain about having more cookies? Even better... the thoughts running through my head and making me a big pile of pissed off butterflies has finally calmed down and I even worked out a few issues with other stuff! Hot diggity dog! I is calmer already with powdered sugar coated goodness to make the last bit go away!

Happiness is working with what you got, NOT something perfect!

I have decided that all the money and all the hopes and dreams in the world are just that... hopes and dreams, yes we should ALL strive to have them come true but should also step back occasionally and take notice of what we already have.

One of my hopes for this year is to be living with my husband again. I hate living apart and even though it is only a 3 hour drive it seems like he is on another planet. We never have the money for him to come home and definitely can't afford to pack up the kids and go there and get a hotel since he lives in housing.

Yet, with all the things we are going without and all the things we wish we could do and see I am still happy that I get to stay home with my kids and help take care of my grandparents and I get to see my nephews, sister, and mom whenever I choose. I spent too many years away from them and after coming home everyone else moved away and then came back! So now we are all here (except my brother who is in jail for reasons I will NOT disclose) and I am loving it, not the drama but being able to see them is awesome!

Now if only I could find a good electrician, lawn care service, and general handyman to fix all the issues with this house so I can move! HA!

slicing and dicing

So I am going in tomorrow to be (yet again) sliced open and have parts ripped out. Who would think that something so simple would be so scary to have to describe to everyone else. When it was explained to me it was so straight forward and easy going but, when I was trying to explain it to friends and family it sounded so dirty, different, painful, and scary. I went from not worrying about it and it being no big deal to trying to keep myself calm. I have had to sit down and do breathing excercises and listening to music that makes my heart pump and seems to just leach the negative energy out of me, like Hollywood Undead


My Darkest Days

 among others...
Even with all the other crap going on this stuff somehow seems to be able to just relax me, crazy I know but it is what works so who am I to question the logic in it!

I go in to get a partial hysterectomy and some reconstructive surgery to put some muscles back where they are supposed to be in the whole baby making area. After so many kids I guess they got lazy and wandered off. I have been banned from everywhere in my house but my bedroom and adjacent bathroom. When I was first told about it I would be up and about the next day... now I am not allowed to move around for 5 days... and THAT is only because it is christmas eve and we are having a party... at my house. I am allowed to come sit on the couch surrounded by pillows and my kids can't come near me.... UGH! What am I supposed to do with that?!?!?! Well... I guess it is better than nothing and love my family and friends so I will take what I can get!!!