feel inadequate?

Do you feel this way? Say hello to me. I don't know how to fix what I can't help. Between births and multiple surgeries I have scar tissue and scars and it isn't all that pretty down there. Plus, I have no muscular definition where it counts. I keep hearing "it's not you, it's me" but I know it isn't. I know the problem. I do the exercises they recommend, I even squeeze with all my might and yet it isn't good enough. I can't seem to fulfill what I crave the most, my husbands satisfaction. I feel lost, I feel dirty, I feel inadequate. I hear the words "I'm not a spring chicken" and "I'm out of practice" however I am not stupid. He already told me the truth once but he shies away from it now thinking to spare my feelings. It hurts, I'm disappointed in myself. I know there are tools (for lack of a better word) that you can buy but I feel like I am giving in to the knowledge that I'm not good enough. I miss the days of happiness where satisfaction was easy. I miss the days when it was hard to hold back instead of trying so hard to reach the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish I could just be me again. I wish I didn't feel more like a body instead of a woman. It may sound weird to hear but after having my tubes tied which was sad enough then to have to have my entire uterus removed. I no longer felt like I was female, not that I felt like a man just.... like I was a body. I denied my husband for so long because honestly I was scared he would feel the same way. I feel like when we are together there is happiness and enjoyment for little while and then... then it is just gone. It's sad. I'm not sure if he loses interest or it just isn't good enough but it hurts my feelings so much that I can't help him, that I can't give to him what is desired. He thinks I am disappointed in him, what a crock. He is everything to me. He is my rock, my savior, my man. I am always scared because especially now I can't fulfill what shouldn't be so hard to accomplish that he will find someone to help him. To find someone that will give him what I cannot. I don't know, I guess I should bend and just get those ball things that are supposed to help. I talk about getting them and we joke about it but honestly it scares me, what if they don't work for me. What if they can't help me in the way they are designed to do. If they don't then I would have to admit defeat and I don't know if I could work around that. I live in a world of "what ifs" and "I don't knows" I guess I am a wimp. Maybe, just maybe I can do it. If I try hard enough. I'll think about it for a couple of days, then order them if I get up enough courage. Hope no one else has these issues. They are horrible enough for me let alone anyone else in this world.