It Hurts

No really, it hurts. My head, my throat, my stomach, my sinus', and my eyeballs. Yep you guessed it. I have a cold. What makes it worse is I am also being a test subject for medication for bipolar with manic disorder and agoraphobia with anxiety and depression (sounds like a mouth full huh?). Basically I was a raging Cunt who pushed normal emotions away and made everything a joke and after they regulated the bipolar I wanted to kill myself. Obviously I failed miserably. Did I really want to? Yes, No, Yes, No... Depends on the day, time of day, who you ask, and when I talked to them last. For a while there it was all I thought about. I only got away from it is when I screwed my husband, but after a while he got sick of it. Blamed being sore, even I knew it wasn't that. I've seen it sore before. Doesn't matter, wasn't a good reason to do it. Oh don't get me wrong I love him dearly and enjoyed every second of it and missed it so much I couldn't see straight. Not really sure why we weren't screwing like rabbits before. Anyways, getting off topic. See I was given a time limit, I have to be little miss perky and shit before my birthday or they decide I have to be locked up for my own good and give me heavier meds. I don't want it, that isn't how it should be. If I end my life it's what I DECIDE, NOT something some bitch behind an oversized desk thinks is good for me. Can you imagine being on so many meds that you can't go anywhere because almost every other hour you have to take pills? 8 am 8:30 then I get a break. 2 pm then 4 pm then 7 pm then 8 pm. I can't freaking go anywhere and visit friends without having to constantly pop pills. Even my kids know what my phone noises are for now! It depresses me even more now! I can't even snuggle with my husband because as soon as we start something I have to go take my next pill. I'm afraid to go to parties because I don't want the effects to suddenly decide to make me feel like I'm stoned again and I look drunk wandering around so I look like a total bitch all the time! I miss out on so much and that depresses me even more! I am supposed to be happier but all I want to do is go scream in the shower and cry my eyes out but that isn't allowed apparently because that isn't what normal people do... least not the screaming part. I've taken 2 showers today but as soon as I get in there I can't cry... it's weird, the water just kind of dries it up, I don't want to leave the shower stall because reality awaits me again. How am I supposed to fix this when they up some meds lower others and introduce different ones ALL AT THE SAME TIME and expect to just it all to work out!!! IN TWO FUCKING WEEKS!

Hope everything works out or else or I'll see y'all on the flip side, whenever they let me out.